On the Path to Forgiveness: An Inspiring Story of Love, Loss and Resilience

Transcript

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Hey everybody, this is Brian.

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I'm back with another episode of Reef to Growth.

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Today I've got a really interesting story for you by a woman who goes by Naya and, because of the nature of her story, she's chosen to remain anonymous.

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But she does want to share this story with you because it's really important to learn about complicated grief, unresolved conflict, forgiveness, all those things.

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When it comes to dealing with things when we lose someone.

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That's complicated.

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So Naya is 60 years old, she lives in Denmark, she works as a translator and again, we're going to talk about complicated grief, unresolved business with a deceased love when this case happens to be her husband and working through that towards forgiveness and peace of mind.

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So, with that short introduction, I'd like to introduce you to Naya.

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So, naya, if you would please tell me the story of what happened with you and your husband.

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Well, it is a long story.

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What happened was, let's see, six years ago almost, my husband had, well, he had been feeling a little bit ill and went through some tests and we thought he was going to have a gallstone operation.

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And then they just did one final scan and we were going to have resorts of that and I decided to go with him.

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And I remember, just before leaving the house I glanced at myself in the mirror and I had this strange feeling of is this before?

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Because maybe a premonition, I don't know?

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They had postponed our appointment time and I thought that was strange.

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Anyway, we went there and to the hospital and he was told that he had cancer and it was progressed and we should come back one week later to hear if it was operable.

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And it turned out it wasn't, it was incurable.

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And he asked them so I'll die from this?

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And they said yes.

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So the thing is, from the very beginning there was kind of no hope in terms of maybe he could recover.

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There was no hope at all.

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And this was a shock, of course, and it was a shock in three ways.

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First thing was the obvious thing.

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I mean, he was 55 at the time and to me.

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Of course I'm going to lose the love of my life and how are we going to cope with this?

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And the second thing that really was a shock to me in the middle of this was his reaction.

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He totally panicked and I mean, I can understand that you panic in some degree at this news and I think maybe his huge panic had to do with One week you think you're going to have a gallstone operation.

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Seven days later you're told you got cancer.

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Seven days later you're going to die from it.

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So he kind of felt that I'll be dead in a second kind of thing.

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And I want to talk a little bit about this anxiety and panic because it's kind of the backdrop you have to remember that backdrop from what else happened.

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He described this fear we called it compared to once he had been fine, he hated fine, and there's been some turbulence and like for maybe a minute or a half he had truly believed that he was going to die, they were going to crash and he said it's like that, it's just it doesn't stop.

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It's all the time I have this feeling and that's quite some anxiety.

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And we were kind of living hour by hour.

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I mean, something happens to time when you're in a state like that, like three hours can feel like a day, because there are 10,000 thoughts racing through your mind an hour and there's so much to cope with, and I, of course, wanted to be there for him.

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And that meant, I mean, when you were with someone so anxious and such fear and fright, and it was tremendous.

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And okay, he got some pills to kind of take, the antidepressant or anti-anxiety pills.

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Those kind of pills take some weeks to work.

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So this state was really, it was everything, and I tried to be with him in that, I tried to comfort him, I tried to just be there, hold him and he wanted me to pray.

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I've never done so much praying in my life.

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Just, you know, we were walking, restlessly, walking the streets, going into any church.

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We came by, praying, just moving and trying to find maybe, maybe there was 15 minutes a day where there was some kind of peace and anxiety was there.

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So this was really really heavy.

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It was also one of it sounds strange maybe, but it was one of the most intimate and intense things I've ever experienced with another person, I guess, because when you're in so much anxiety, all layers are peeled off and you kind of you get some moments of clarity and in some sense there's a complete honesty, there's no facade.

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Anyway, this was the situation.

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The third thing that was really a shock to me was that his ex wanted to go all in from day one and he wanted her to.

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And especially the latter was quite a shock to me because I had no idea that she still meant so much for him and this brought out an old jealousy of mine.

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And I must admit, in that situation, with everything we had to deal with, jealousy was the last thing I wanted to deal with at this time.

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And maybe I should tell you a little bit about my experience with his ex, because they bottom line is she was a stranger to me and that was part of why it was so hard for me to have her so close in this situation in particular.

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I think their relationship was maybe 20 years back, at least 10 years before he and I got together, and it wasn't very long, less than a year and by the time I got together with him we were he was always arguing with his ex and after a while, after he and I got together, they kind of got along better and started seeing each other from time to time.

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And of course I was curious about her who wouldn't be, and he sort of kept us a bit apart, in a way to say it, to protect me a little bit, because maybe he could be a little bit, I don't know how to put it.

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I mean, I would say from my own experience that she might have probably a lot of good qualities, but she also had a quite busy character, like a bit dominant, anyway it's.

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I tried to get to know her and you know we had mutual friends before we were partying.

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So I tried to get to know her, but she never showed any interest in getting to know me and that's anyway, that's okay.

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I mean, if you have a partner and he's no longer your partner and he gets a new partner, I mean there's no obligation to feel any interest in that new partner.

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But the thing is, thanks being the way they were when he got his diagnosis, I just didn't understand how she could expect me to find it okay when she had never sort of shown any interest in getting to know me, or at least I didn't understand that.

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She didn't understand why I found it difficult, right, and well, that's her and me.

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That's one thing.

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But the other thing is that my husband didn't understand my feelings and I would say I mean we had been together for about 12 years at that time and it had been sort of surfacing before, so it couldn't be completely new to him how I felt that it was problematic for me.

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For instance, I mean he suffered from recurring depressions.

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He had felt that for a lot of years and I knew that that somehow also she maybe could be would help him a little bit, that it helped him to talk to her, which is fine.

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But more problematic I found it that sometimes, maybe if he and I had a row which didn't happen often, but when it happened, usually same day or the day after, he would go to see her and that made me very insecure.

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So I had told him before, so it wasn't new to him.

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But anyway, here you are in a situation where this person you love very deeply and he's going to die and he's in panic and you want to be there for him, you want to comfort him, you want to do what's best for him.

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So, while doing what's best for him also meant included doing things that were worst for me, so that's a catch 22.

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I mean, I've never.

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I'm not generally, generally prone to jealousy.

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I mean, he and I met each other when we're in early 40s.

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We both lived our own lives before that and of course, you're aware that each that everyone has a past and people from the past.

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So it's it's I mean, and but I mean I'm.

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You know, I've never been someone who's gone around five times a week asking do you love me?

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Do you love me?

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I mean needing confirmation in that way.

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But but I had, because I had always felt that he did love me.

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And and now, I think within 10 days of this diagnosis, I find myself asking him do you love me?

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It just really didn't feel like his number one person, I mean.

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Well, I think it's quite natural to be somewhat jealous of our, of our husbands, our partners, ex, particularly when they're reaching out to them at a time where you want to be intimate with him and you feel like it's your time and you and your time is limited at that point.

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So I think it's what you felt was very natural.

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Yeah, I think so too, and and others think so too.

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But the thing was that she and he were completely above jealousy and and and it was like, well, that's something, that's something you have when you're 22.

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I mean, in my opinion, jealousy has no age, if it's usually when, when, when you say jealousy, people think of you know like what do you call it a sick kind of jealousy where, where you get jealous just because your husband looks at a woman on the street or something like like un, un jealousy for no reason.

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Right Because of your own insecurity, but but, but I mean, I really truly believe this day that the jealousy I felt was for a reason.

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There was a reason, because there was something Well, I put it, quote unquote strange about the relationship.

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And much later, much, much later, I realized, by talking to to other people in their circle of friends, I realized that quite a few of them had wondered for years what was going on, in a way because, yeah, well, it's complicated, but at that time I didn't dare to ask anyone because I thought, I thought that anyone in this circle of friends, everyone, was with, friends with her too, because they used to go on some skiing trips together, so they'd known each other for years.

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It's just much later I realized that the others were a bit sort of what do you call it?

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They were wondering about this relationship and it got more complicated maybe by the fact that I'm a very old friend of my husband, also going way back after my husband stopped being with his ex.

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Shortly after, within a year or two, this friend of his became her partner and by the time my so they had, like they had been seeing each other.

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I often wondered how do you, how do you manage this?

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I mean, you're with your friend and he's with your ex.

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How, how do you go about that?

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And and and it was things like well, but when I'm with him I don't talk, we don't talk about her, and I don't know it was.

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It was peculiar to me anyway.

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But, I tried, I had tried to to have an open mind about this.

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I had tried to make space.

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Make space because it's one of the things we did in our relationship making space for the other one to be who he or she was.

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So, but this was simply, at this point in time, it was too much for me and it was I mean, it was from day one like she was one of the first persons you call to tell it fair enough.

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And then you said, she want to come, she want to come by, can she come by?

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And she came by, and they were just, I mean, she never came to our house when he's sorry, it was always somewhere else.

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And and and we just came, come back from the hospital with this he's got cancer, you know.

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And we were both devastated and and then I see these two people sitting opposite me, you know, holding hands, looking each other deep in the eyes.

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Of course it's a special situation, I know that, but at some point I just felt I might as well not have been there.

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It was very strange and then, but okay, you know, everything is every.

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Everyone has got their feelings on the outside and in a situation like this.

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So of course you, you react in a different way, you react more slowly, or you know you're in something and and I remember at one point my, my husband, went to the bathroom and I was sitting here with this stranger and it simply didn't know what to say to her.

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And and then I I just said something about because that's one thing they had said at the hospital, that it was really what do you call it?

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Lucky in some way that that they hadn't gone on with the goldstone operation, because once they opened him they would see the cancer and then the, the how do you say the cancer surgeons were at another hospital.

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So so I kind of said, well, thank God that didn't happen.

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Then, and maybe I repeated it once because I didn't know what to say to her.

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She was kind of really talking to me in a rude way, like like in a bossy way, like yeah, yeah, yeah.

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Now we don't have to worry about what could have happened.

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Now we have to look forward.

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It was just like hey, come on.

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I mean, I just started crying and it just felt so cold.

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Anyway, one.

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Now this was quite a detailed first day.

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Another thing in this is that this was just before Christmas and we, he couldn't get an appointment with the oncologist until January.

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Like about, you know, they could give him some chemo and to prolong his life, you know.

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And in this whole anxiety month I was, I was really worried that he might choose not to do the chemo because he might just want to get it all undone with.

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I was also afraid that he should jump from the balcony.

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I was really, really, really worried.

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And it was just before Christmas and she would call almost every day and other other friends had called, of course, and they had also come by and talk, but they might maybe call once a week.

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She called almost every day and I was with this completely frightened person and trying to talk to him, trying to find, you know, little spots of light and all this and trying to make him cope.

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And then, if she called, it was like to me, it was like I felt it as a wedge coming in between us every time, because maybe I was just just getting him somewhere and she called and then, okay, then he was all on her and that was really, and I hated myself for it too, because, oh, why can't I just drop this jealousy?

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But nevertheless, this every time, this contact weakened me and I had so much to cope with and I really had to be strong for him.

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So it was really problematic.

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And then, just before Christmas, we had never in all the years together, we had never spent Christmas together and then we do it on Christmas Eve.

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You know that's the big night and so, of course, not knowing how long you had to live, and I really wanted to spend Christmas with him.

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And and he agreed I mean, either he had been with his father or he had been at work on Christmas Eve.

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And this year we decided to do it together at my mom's place.

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And I said, could you please ask your ex not to call you at Christmas?

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Because I said we didn't want to sit at my mom's place and her suddenly calling and you know, I had to have this wage coming in and and he, he agreed.

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And and then he said to me could you?

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Now I called her, I told her not to call and she felt a little bit strange and she was a little bit upset.

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Could you please write her a letter?

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No, no, he didn't say that.

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Could you please write her and explain that her mail or something.

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And the last thing I wanted to do was to, you know, think about her.

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And he was really sort of anxious and and like you know the talk to him, I said does it really mean that much to you?

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Yes, please.

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And when I sat down and started to write an email to him, and as I did this I realized that all my saved up frustration, my old, old jealousy, just kind of came out.

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And but you know, I tried to write, write it really politely and okay, this one other thing I have, I have to say, which is part of the story, it should be said Shortly after they split up way back, way back.

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She had had cancer and at that time my husband had really been there for her, like coming along, sitting with her, just no expectations, just being there and helping her.

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And of course she was very, very grateful for that and she of course wanted to, you know, show her gratitude by being there for him.

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Now, which is, I understand, I understand, great difference is, of course, that when she was ill she was single and now, when he was ill, he had a wife.

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Yeah, absolutely so.

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So I think there's some.

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I mean, you have to weigh up some things.

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How can I best help someone?

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Can I best help someone by keeping a little profile for a while.

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Anyway, I wrote this letter to her and I told her I understand that you're upset too of losing him and you know who's going to die, and it's beautiful with all these people wanting to help us.

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But I have a problem with this and it's about an old jealousy of mine and I wrote to her I wish I didn't have it.

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But it comes from this and this and you're a stranger to me and you know, right now I need all my energy for him.

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So, kind of you know, asking her how do you put this firmly but politely?

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But to please know her place, step down and to not contact him.

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I mean to wait for him to contact her, not calling all the time, like for him to contact her.

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And I also promised her to keep her, you know, up to date about how things are going and let her know everything if one day he couldn't let her know, and my husband read this letter, so he knew what I sent to her and I wrote to her that he had read it, you know so.

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And then I send it off and then, oh God, she didn't enter in until 10 days later.

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10 days is a long time when you're in that state.

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Anyway, she answered something like I'm sorry about this, and okay, I also offered her if she wanted to talk to me about this thing with the jealousy, we could do that.

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But maybe she shouldn't talk so much to my husband about it, because he wasn't, he had enough on his plate.

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And when I got the answer, like I mean also she was of course sorry, but she didn't excuse her behavior that first day at all, which was something in a way I needed, but that's what it is.

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And she said that she sort of if you both want this, I respect it.

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And I was like okay, it was.

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And then, well, soon after my husband asked me, can she call me again?

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And and it's like, and this is the catch 22, you know, because if I said no, would he then sort of be sulking at me for the rest of his time, or if I said yes, it would rip me apart.

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And anyway, I said yes because I didn't know what to do and I had, I had asked him because at one stage it was really like I asked him you have to choose between her and me, because if I have to be in this with you, you have to choose.

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And I remember one evening I asked him that and he said okay, then I'll say goodbye to her, but then you can't leave me.

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And he went into the street to call her and Her line was busy.

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He came back up and he said and this isn't a good idea.

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And in a way I knew it wasn't a good idea, but at that time I just wanted her gone from my life.

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But of course, asking another person to completely cut with someone who means something to him is can you ask another person that in this situation?

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You know it's complicated, it's not black and white.

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It is complicated, but I have to interject here and I think that every woman listening will resonate with what you're saying, will relate to what you're saying.

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When you're with someone and they're with their ex and they're having that sort of intimacy, you're going to be jealous.

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As I said earlier.

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I think that's a natural response.

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But you tried as best you can to accommodate him, but you've got your feelings as well.

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I think it depends, because I think it's possible to have you know, I mean, if I had known her, if she had been a person I liked, but my experiences with her were not pleasant and you could say that doesn't matter, as long.

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I mean, I don't have to have anything to do with her in general in our life very little, but in this situation it really mattered.

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I mean, just to mention there's actually another ex-affilus, because actually I also went to school with I mean back from high school with my husband, and you went back then and his girlfriend back then was also my best friend and we're still friends today.

00:31:04.268 --> 00:31:16.835
So it's not the question of being an ex in itself, it's got to do with respecting each other's roles, so it's not the ex in itself.

00:31:16.835 --> 00:31:30.990
Anyway, I felt invaded so I tried to swallow it because I I mean at one stage he said, oh, maybe I should.

00:31:30.990 --> 00:31:35.486
I mean he said maybe I should just go live somewhere else and then you can come visit me.

00:31:35.486 --> 00:31:45.025
And I completely couldn't cope with that because I mean I wanted to be with him as much as possible in the little time, whatever time we had left.

00:31:45.025 --> 00:31:47.701
So him moving out was also.

00:31:47.701 --> 00:31:49.145
I couldn't see it as an option.

00:31:49.145 --> 00:31:50.640
Maybe it would have been a good idea.

00:31:50.640 --> 00:31:55.500
I don't know in hindsight, but I couldn't cope then and I wanted to take care of him.

00:31:56.375 --> 00:32:09.069
So anyway, january came and we, we saw the oncologists and he decided to do the chemo.

00:32:09.069 --> 00:32:19.718
And well, we asked about the prognosis, because if you think you're dead in two weeks, and that's your state, you know.

00:32:19.718 --> 00:32:30.159
And then, and the doctor said, well, he thought that at least 12 months, and that was.

00:32:30.159 --> 00:32:40.913
I mean, the pills had started working a bit, and I think this marriage kind of made my husband said well, then, we might.

00:32:40.913 --> 00:32:46.385
Then it looks as if we can have some kind of everyday life, at least for a while, you know.

00:32:46.385 --> 00:32:56.470
And so we what do you call it?

00:32:56.470 --> 00:32:58.902
We throw it on whatever.

00:33:03.121 --> 00:33:05.766
And but I just he didn't want any counseling.

00:33:05.766 --> 00:33:30.287
I mean, I had asked him because this problem was so big between us and I thought we should get some I don't know what you call it marriage counseling, or I felt it was necessary Because there were some things here not dealt with, and his attitude was like what's the use now?

00:33:30.287 --> 00:33:33.743
I mean, again this, I'm dying in a minute, you know.

00:33:33.743 --> 00:33:42.185
And I wish he had thought differently about that, because I'm not sure it would have helped.

00:33:42.185 --> 00:33:53.994
But he didn't want counseling and I said we have to and he didn't accept my jealousy.

00:33:54.075 --> 00:33:55.239
I mean that's really the thing.

00:33:55.239 --> 00:34:22.146
If you go into marriage and you kind of say you're going to love and honor each other and you know for sickness and health, all those things, to me it's to honor someone also means to respect their feelings.

00:34:22.146 --> 00:34:25.358
I mean feelings.

00:34:25.358 --> 00:34:28.827
We can't help feeling the way we feel.

00:34:28.827 --> 00:34:35.527
We can, we can help how we react or act on them, but we can't help the feelings we have.

00:34:35.527 --> 00:34:40.579
It's out of our control, at least the moment you have the feeling it's out of your hands.

00:34:41.574 --> 00:35:14.458
So, and you know, like if you say to her, if you have a child and the child is afraid of the dark and you're not afraid of the dark, and you say to this child that's ridiculous, there's nothing to be afraid of, and you talk the child into bed and put out the light and close the door and leave the room, that's not going to make that fear in the child any smaller, you know.

00:35:14.458 --> 00:35:16.244
On the contrary, on the contrary.

00:35:16.244 --> 00:35:19.126
So if someone is not, I mean you can.

00:35:19.126 --> 00:35:27.467
You can respect someone's feelings, even though you don't understand them or you you find them ridiculous for yourself, you know.

00:35:27.467 --> 00:35:46.155
But you have to respect that someone else is somewhere else and I mean, imagine that I had said to him that his fear of death was ridiculous, and anyway, I think.

00:35:46.155 --> 00:35:52.458
I think you might say that's beyond comparison, but it's, hmm.

00:35:54.074 --> 00:35:57.342
I think you said it very well your feelings are your feelings.

00:35:57.342 --> 00:36:04.018
We can we can choose how we respond or react to our feelings, but we can't really control our feelings directly.

00:36:04.018 --> 00:36:13.664
And again, I think it's a situation where it's an ex person and that you said you don't know her very well, and you're in a situation where your husband is dying.

00:36:13.664 --> 00:36:17.677
Of course you're going to want to want, you're going to want privacy, you're going to have that.

00:36:17.677 --> 00:36:19.483
That time you have with him left.

00:36:19.483 --> 00:36:21.340
You want it to be as special as possible.

00:36:21.340 --> 00:36:29.177
So I think why, rationally speaking, maybe you know you were trying to get out of the way and everything.

00:36:29.177 --> 00:36:32.264
I can understand your feelings for absolutely a hundred percent.

00:36:34.478 --> 00:36:34.920
Thank you.

00:36:34.920 --> 00:36:47.534
I think, the actually it was not having the feeling and it was not her in in her.

00:36:47.534 --> 00:36:56.887
You know, in itself the worst thing was that he didn't respect my feeling.

00:36:57.494 --> 00:36:59.059
He didn't choose you yes.

00:37:01.759 --> 00:37:25.780
Well, I think he couldn't choose that's a later realization, but but I think he was unable, and that's of course scaring to realize, but but actually I think he was unable, at least in that, in that state he was in Right, and anyway, I don't know where we go from here.

00:37:25.780 --> 00:37:34.925
So, the only, the only, the only, the only so kind of counseling he wanted.

00:37:34.925 --> 00:37:43.106
If you could talk about that is he only wanted to talk to our Vika, you know to your Vika.

00:37:43.927 --> 00:37:59.806
Yeah, and and of course Vika is not a psychologist, but you can talk about death and dying and I think it it meant something to him to have those talks.

00:37:59.806 --> 00:38:34.282
However, he didn't want to talk to Vika about the jealousy thing, but and I went with him, I mean I accompanied him and it was quite precious to me actually, because my husband wasn't very good at sharing his thoughts, so sometimes I only learned about what was going on in his head when I heard him talk to others, when someone else asked him something and he answered.

00:38:34.282 --> 00:39:09.688
So it's, it was valuable to me to to be at those talks, you know going on, but I just have to tell you this because I mean, I tried to swallow all this but I simply couldn't cope and I was falling to pieces three times a week about this jealousy thing and in the end he said him not wanting us to go to counseling together.

00:39:09.688 --> 00:39:12.481
I mean, you know, group or what do you call it?

00:39:12.481 --> 00:39:13.724
Marriage counseling?

00:39:13.724 --> 00:39:18.340
He said, but then maybe you should talk to.

00:39:20.204 --> 00:39:25.358
There was the ex-husband's ex, the new ex like his, his old friend.

00:39:25.358 --> 00:39:34.827
They had recently divorced so he could come and talk to me and I said, well, okay, I'll try it.

00:39:34.827 --> 00:39:48.625
And I talked to him about my whole relationship, non-relationship with his ex you know, my husband's ex and and he just just didn't give me anything.

00:39:48.625 --> 00:39:58.429
I mean, all three of them were really above this any understanding of my feelings.

00:39:59.076 --> 00:40:00.099
Right right.

00:40:02.375 --> 00:40:21.653
And then, like a week later, I was still falling to pieces about this and and sorry, and it was really so lonely, it was so lonely not having you know your feelings recognized.

00:40:21.653 --> 00:40:31.282
Yeah, so, and then one, about one week later, he said then then you have, then she'll have to come here and you will have to talk to her.

00:40:32.244 --> 00:40:45.179
Right, we're running a little short on time, so if we could, could we move forward to when, when your husband was actually hospitalized, like I know there were some things that happened when he was hospitalized that that we we need to really touch on.

00:40:47.416 --> 00:40:50.425
Well, okay, I'll try.

00:40:50.425 --> 00:40:52.141
I'll try to force forward a bit.

00:40:52.916 --> 00:41:11.043
I mean things weren't going well, but I was trying to hang in there and I was trying to swallow things and basically you could say I was sent off to see counseling myself on my right to sort out my that jealousy thing of mine.

00:41:11.043 --> 00:41:18.655
I ended up doing counseling for three years, not about the jealousy but about the whole thing, sure, anyway.

00:41:18.655 --> 00:41:29.449
So I was trying to do that and I went with him to chemo and you know and things.

00:41:29.449 --> 00:41:38.507
The situation just wasn't sustainable because he didn't let me in.

00:41:38.507 --> 00:41:48.938
And when you walk in something like this every day, I mean it's really hard for your self, for his thing.

00:41:48.938 --> 00:42:16.657
So at one point this is actually this is a long before he was hospitalized, because that was much later we had had a rough week and I had gone for a walk one evening just to talk on the phone with my sister, and when I came back.

00:42:16.978 --> 00:42:24.456
He had been drinking a little bit and he said tomorrow I'll move out.

00:42:24.456 --> 00:42:28.465
And I was.

00:42:28.465 --> 00:42:35.106
I just couldn't believe it and I said well, what do you expect from me then?

00:42:35.106 --> 00:42:55.239
And it's something about well, I expect you to, you know, take care of the bills every month, and I mean, sort things out, keep all the you know, all the secretary work I'd been doing for months besides the housework, besides everything.

00:42:55.239 --> 00:43:07.809
And then he went to bed and I went to pieces, completely went to pieces, because I tried so hard, and then he ends up leaving me.

00:43:09.619 --> 00:43:40.351
And next morning I went to church and I came back and he had, I think, maybe hadn't quite realized what he had said, I don't know, but he had made arrangements to go Wednesday with his ex and I it was really sad I helped him pack some things, you know, his medicine and all those things I had been taking care of, and we were both sad and I said what about your?

00:43:40.351 --> 00:43:44.907
You have this favorite chair, do you want your chair?

00:43:44.907 --> 00:43:49.190
And then he said, oh, but I think I might be coming back.

00:43:49.190 --> 00:43:51.927
I guess I will at some point.

00:43:51.927 --> 00:43:56.409
And that's just kind of a roller coaster thing with my emotions.

00:43:56.409 --> 00:44:12.085
I mean, you don't tell someone you leave and then you sort of next day oh maybe I didn't mean it, I mean it was, I just I just took him to have it and then, anyway, it was very, very sad, we were both sad and he left.

00:44:12.085 --> 00:44:27.362
When he came and picked him up and the next day it was, he was going to get some answers for a scan this latest scan and I had already made an appointment that I would go with him or meet him at the hospital for this.

00:44:27.362 --> 00:44:35.130
So I went there with him and actually this scan was positive.

00:44:35.130 --> 00:44:45.085
You know right, it looked good and I still imagine this doctor sitting there in front of two people who got this news and just looked really sad for the two of them.

00:44:45.085 --> 00:44:47.326
But anyway, that's how it goes.

00:44:48.460 --> 00:45:05.619
And then we had a cup of coffee outside because he had to wait for some things to come test, and then we had the, but he said some things that just really triggered me and we had the biggest fallout.

00:45:05.619 --> 00:45:25.510
I mean, I got so angry and we parted in anger, both of us, and I went home and I was just crying and you do as if all this, all this, this was six months in, you know, months of suppressed emotion.

00:45:25.510 --> 00:45:31.572
Just, I mean, I was angry for 24, 7, for 10 days in a row.

00:45:31.572 --> 00:45:34.351
I've never been so angry in my life, I had so much anger.

00:45:34.351 --> 00:45:36.380
I talked to the walls, I was really angry.

00:45:36.380 --> 00:45:41.126
I was like, you know, finally, the lead of the you know.

00:45:41.126 --> 00:45:47.344
Anyway, we were both sorry that we had parted this way.

00:45:47.344 --> 00:45:52.628
We wrote, we texted each other, but I was still angry.

00:45:52.628 --> 00:46:20.987
And a friend of his suggested that he moved to another friend instead of his ex if he wanted to come back, and which was good and he did, but anyway he finally we met then after 10, 12 days and he finally agreed that we got some counseling, finally, finally, finally.

00:46:21.880 --> 00:46:34.626
And then we got some counseling at you know, the cancer, cancer patients and their relatives, and we had about four sessions.

00:46:34.626 --> 00:46:44.342
But he was I can't explain to you this, but what came out in those sessions?

00:46:44.342 --> 00:46:59.262
It was just like it felt as if my whole life crumbled backwards in front of my very eyes, like things came out, like things are lasting about through the years and never got clear arms to.

00:46:59.262 --> 00:47:07.590
Suddenly I got to know things and I just felt more and more that I'd been living on a lie, which I hadn't.

00:47:07.590 --> 00:47:17.253
But this is what I felt at the time and that I didn't feel any love from him.

00:47:17.253 --> 00:47:37.306
And I mean I remember after these sessions we went to a cafe and talked on and he was just saying some really mean and vicious things and hardly any love, and very angry with me and still no understanding and I just couldn't.

00:47:37.306 --> 00:47:51.409
I mean he wanted to come back but I didn't dare because those 10 days of anger, when I finally had some space for myself, I had realized what it had done to me to live with him under those circumstances.

00:47:51.409 --> 00:48:02.706
I still loved him, I still wanted to be there for him, but I felt I couldn't live with him and to him it was all or nothing.

00:48:04.500 --> 00:48:15.681
So after the last session he came at the session he was very determined and he, like he was scolding the counselor for her counseling he was.

00:48:15.681 --> 00:48:38.608
He said I'm going to file for divorce and I'm going to move my things out later this week and outside it was a very short session Outside he told me to say goodbye from him to my mom and my sis and I said I was really crying.

00:48:38.608 --> 00:49:11.052
I said please don't die with so much hatred in your heart and he was just so angry with me I think he shook hands with me for goodbye and then he left and two days later divorce papers were there and two days after that his friends and he came and got all his things which I had gotten ready for him and it was just really total disaster.

00:49:11.052 --> 00:49:20.534
And I remember when he left all the friends had already left the flat and when he left, said goodbye.

00:49:20.534 --> 00:49:32.672
I said I really don't want to help you, even though I can't live with you, and he said that's very difficult because this is the most abominable thing I've ever experienced.

00:49:32.672 --> 00:49:53.550
And I remember when he was going down the stairs he said because he had been in the house for a long time, he had called my jealousy a demon, which was also very hurtful early on, because he saw his own anxiety, his fear, as a demon.

00:49:53.550 --> 00:49:57.550
He made this parallel that my jealousy was a demon like I was possessed.

00:49:57.550 --> 00:50:02.108
And when he left that day he said there is no demon, it's simply you.

00:50:02.108 --> 00:50:10.010
And that was the last time I saw him for well, I thought forever.

00:50:10.150 --> 00:50:11.634
But turned out differently.

00:50:11.634 --> 00:50:15.588
So clean, cut, divorce.

00:50:15.588 --> 00:50:23.717
And he didn't want to have any contact with me, none whatsoever.

00:50:23.717 --> 00:50:26.590
Right the fury, this hatred.

00:50:26.590 --> 00:50:30.070
I was just cut out of his life.

00:50:30.070 --> 00:50:38.547
In a way, he made himself dead for me before he died, and this was not right.

00:50:38.547 --> 00:50:42.027
I mean, this was I knew, I think.

00:50:42.166 --> 00:50:54.130
About a month later I realized that what I tried to make him understand he was literally unable to understand.

00:50:54.130 --> 00:51:11.425
He was unable, and whether that was because of the fear or you know, some deficiency he was born with or some, he was a damaged child.

00:51:11.425 --> 00:51:13.650
He had a very rough childhood.

00:51:13.650 --> 00:51:19.625
I didn't know, but the fact was he was unable, and so I regretted that I had kind of been.

00:51:19.625 --> 00:51:20.586
I understood.

00:51:20.586 --> 00:51:36.581
I understood why he had felt that I was just banging him on his head with blame because he didn't understand it Right, and that meant that I could forgive a lot of things, but I couldn't live with the way we parted.

00:51:41.079 --> 00:51:56.750
So I started writing this letter to him, explaining and really not blaming and asking for reconciliation, because I felt we had always loved each other.

00:51:56.750 --> 00:52:19.427
I still believed in that love and also thanking him for all the things I wanted to thank him for, which was something we had never had time for, because everything was conflict and crisis and jealousy and hatred and anger, and we had never had this quiet time.

00:52:19.427 --> 00:52:29.661
I didn't dare to post it because I was afraid she would get the letter, so I left it.

00:52:29.661 --> 00:52:45.427
I left it with his lawyer just before Christmas and texted him short text saying I'd left the last things at his lawyers and I didn't know what to do.

00:52:45.427 --> 00:52:58.394
And then by the end of January the divorce was settled and I got this email from his lawyer.

00:52:58.394 --> 00:53:06.150
I mean there was some money that had been transferred and the lawyer just announced this to me.

00:53:06.619 --> 00:53:14.114
And then he also wrote that he had been asked to tell me that my husband didn't ex-husband.

00:53:14.114 --> 00:53:28.690
I still call him my husband, but my husband didn't want any contact with me whatsoever, including my participation in his funeral.

00:53:28.690 --> 00:53:40.541
And I was like I mean, ever since he left, ever since he left, I've been praying for him every day.

00:53:40.541 --> 00:53:52.443
That day I found it quite hard because I thought that his hatred really was it really beyond death.

00:53:52.443 --> 00:54:01.793
But to this day I don't know if that message came from him or from his ex.

00:54:01.793 --> 00:54:10.969
I suspect maybe it came from his ex because she was probably the one dealing with the lawyer, because he didn't deal with those things himself.

00:54:10.969 --> 00:54:12.061
But it was hard.

00:54:12.061 --> 00:54:28.581
So all in all, about a year after, if you want me to fast forward there's a lot of things in between.

00:54:28.621 --> 00:55:04.885
But about a year after he moved out, I heard from other friends that he was now not staying with her but staying in, well, this little house of his in the woods, and I thought if I can ever talk to him maybe it's now, because I know we can't deal with the two of us at the same time.

00:55:04.885 --> 00:55:16.125
So I called him, I took a lot of courage to call him and I had even warned him with a text saying I'm going to call you tomorrow.

00:55:16.125 --> 00:55:18.891
You can think about whether you want to pick up.

00:55:18.891 --> 00:55:26.706
Anyway, he picked up and it turned out he'd never seen my text and he was quite surprised and asked me what I wanted.

00:55:26.706 --> 00:55:36.693
And I, a while, called and I said I wanted to hear whether he had read my letter.

00:55:36.693 --> 00:55:39.184
And it was like what letter?

00:55:39.184 --> 00:55:41.985
He didn't know anything of it.

00:55:43.880 --> 00:56:00.280
And the thing is it was as if this hatred was gone and he thought that I was moving on with my life and I wasn't.

00:56:00.280 --> 00:56:13.311
I mean, my life had stopped, more or less, and I asked him if I could call him again and he didn't say any clear yes or clear no, which I thought okay, I can do it.

00:56:13.311 --> 00:56:18.885
I mean we talked about for about an hour and then I talked to him.

00:56:18.885 --> 00:56:21.465
I tried again two weeks later.

00:56:21.465 --> 00:56:44.903
He didn't pick up and then three weeks after that I talked to him again and that was when I talked to him for an hour and a half and that conversation in itself kind of saved my sanity because it was just like the man I used to know.

00:56:44.903 --> 00:56:49.867
He was just like you know.

00:56:50.208 --> 00:56:54.806
We had a really beautiful conversation and we even laughed and talked about things.

00:56:54.806 --> 00:57:03.728
I mean, okay, I avoided conflict stuff, but it was really like the old days and it was so strange, so beautiful and so strange.

00:57:03.728 --> 00:57:11.300
And he told me that he was very ill and he was going back to go to hospital the next day.

00:57:11.300 --> 00:57:20.726
So I asked him if I could visit him at the hospital and he was kind of hesitant but I said I'll call him.

00:57:20.726 --> 00:57:27.851
And then sometimes later, a few days later, he was hospitalized, as you say.

00:57:27.851 --> 00:57:32.288
And well, I think you have.

00:57:32.288 --> 00:57:34.251
What do you call it when you have this?

00:57:34.251 --> 00:57:39.916
The blood, the clogs, the vein, I don't know what it's called.

00:57:39.916 --> 00:57:40.480
Where does it go?

00:57:41.141 --> 00:57:42.346
Yeah, one clot yeah.

00:57:42.947 --> 00:57:48.110
Yeah, so he had that in his leg and he had a lot of fluid in his body.

00:57:48.110 --> 00:58:07.070
Anyway, they fixed him up a bit and I called him two to three times there but she was kind of camping at the hospital so sometimes when I talked to him I sensed she was in the room and we could talk so freely.

00:58:07.070 --> 00:58:15.320
Not a lot of那我們 no-transcript.

00:58:15.320 --> 00:58:22.585
Yeah, I called him one night and he wasn't feeling well and I said, okay, I'll call you tomorrow.

00:58:22.585 --> 00:58:48.099
And you said better the day after and we agreed on that and hung up and then like four hours later in the middle of the night I suddenly got this text from her saying you have to understand he doesn't want to have any contact with you and you know, stay away and understand this and this text can't be answered.

00:58:49.367 --> 00:58:59.335
I got furious because I just made this other appointment with him and I didn't know if it came from him or not.

00:58:59.335 --> 00:59:06.907
It turned out she went behind his back because then the day after I called him and I said I hope it's okay.

00:59:06.907 --> 00:59:22.369
I called you and he said yes, of course we agreed on that and I said okay, and he sounded very determined and he couldn't talk because the doctors were coming out and I said, okay, we'll talk later.

00:59:22.369 --> 00:59:41.777
I called him in the afternoon and then and he had sent her out of the room, and then he told me, this time politely, that we shouldn't have any contact anymore.

00:59:41.777 --> 00:59:50.110
And I was devastated, really devastated, that he could do it twice to me.

00:59:53.164 --> 01:00:03.536
So that's kind of the culmination of two years of an emotional state of emergency.

01:00:08.766 --> 01:00:13.836
So when he ultimately did pass, were you involved in his funeral arrangements at all?

01:00:15.184 --> 01:00:18.373
Well, the thing is, I actually got to see him.

01:00:18.373 --> 01:00:26.110
I don't know, miracles happened, miracles happened.

01:00:26.110 --> 01:00:30.295
I think he was after this, maybe two weeks later.

01:00:30.295 --> 01:00:39.088
Oh, by the way, he had told me he was being discharged and would make arrangements to go to a hospice.

01:00:39.088 --> 01:00:57.152
He was very ambiguous in his way of talking to me, because in one sentence he says I'm going to a hospice and now I have to find someone to take care of me, as if he was calling out for me.

01:00:57.152 --> 01:00:58.148
It was so strange.

01:00:59.505 --> 01:01:08.592
Anyway, he was discharged and two weeks later I heard from friends that he was admitted again and he was in a very, very bad state.

01:01:08.592 --> 01:01:17.155
Actually, he was admitted on his birthday, I think, and I thought okay, this is it, what am I going to do?

01:01:17.155 --> 01:01:30.771
I had to see him, I simply had to see him and I didn't want to go there and crash gate crashing and making scenes because I knew she was there 24 seven as well.

01:01:30.771 --> 01:01:32.476
So what to do?

01:01:32.476 --> 01:01:50.226
And I was up all night and wondering, and then in the morning, early morning, I called the hospital to mortem and I talked to a night nurse and I explained this whole thing to her and I said I don't know what to do because he can't deal with the two of us at the same time.

01:01:50.226 --> 01:01:52.231
But I really want to see him.

01:01:52.231 --> 01:01:59.277
And she said she told me to call when the day shift had arrived.

01:01:59.277 --> 01:02:16.630
So I called three hours later and then it turned out and this is the miracle this night, nurse, she had gone to this room while his ex was in the shower and she had asked him if she wanted to fill in a form.

01:02:16.630 --> 01:02:26.157
You know, if you're not close relative, you're not allowed to hear how things are going.

01:02:26.157 --> 01:02:27.987
It's confidential.

01:02:27.987 --> 01:02:38.876
So you can fill in a form to say this person is allowed to know how things are going when she calls and she's also allowed to see me when I'm dead.

01:02:38.876 --> 01:02:40.951
And he had signed it.

01:02:40.951 --> 01:02:45.172
He had signed it and I was so surprised.

01:02:47.045 --> 01:02:58.487
And then the day after I was well, it comes to me with my, with the wicker, sorry.

01:02:58.487 --> 01:03:09.130
And I got a call from the hospital, kind of summoning like saying well, if you want to say goodbye, you should come soon.

01:03:09.130 --> 01:03:20.829
And I said, okay, you got to help me then with his ex, that we don't sort of have, you know, bump into each other, and that's what happened.

01:03:20.829 --> 01:03:22.952
I mean, they helped, they helped.

01:03:22.952 --> 01:03:25.469
And I went there and he was.

01:03:26.630 --> 01:03:46.612
I hadn't seen him for 15 months, physically, but the strange thing is that I in a way didn't care because it was the mental thing that was important.

01:03:46.612 --> 01:03:58.746
But this time I really felt driven and it was important to show him that I had never stopped loving him.

01:03:58.746 --> 01:04:24.550
But he was heavily medicated, dozing off, and the thing is, at this time he had no mimic, like, maybe because of the medication, his face there's no facial expressions and he had this gray veil over his eyes so we couldn't really tell how he felt.

01:04:24.550 --> 01:04:38.052
But I told him that I was there and I asked him it was okay and he said I asked him several times and one time he said yes, and then I just sat there holding his hand.

01:04:38.052 --> 01:04:51.318
Of course it was very emotional for me, but there was kind of peace between us and an hour and a half and then she wanted to come back in and then I realized I wasn't done yet.

01:04:51.318 --> 01:05:01.869
So I wanted to go down the next day because I really had to tell him some things and I got there again and again.

01:05:01.869 --> 01:05:25.288
They kind of helped with the situation and this time I had he was more awake, which was beautiful, and I had kind of brought this letter of mine, but only the best parts of it, the parts with thanking him, things I wanted to thank him for, and I read this.

01:05:25.288 --> 01:05:41.550
Well, I did some other things too, but I read this letter to him and felt that he heard it and also had some greetings for him from people who couldn't deal with the situation and hadn't visited him.

01:05:44.605 --> 01:05:56.574
And then she came in and made a scene and that's or rather she started a conflict with me.

01:05:56.574 --> 01:06:08.367
Instead of sending in one of the nurses to ask him to leave, she just came in and said no, you've been with him enough and he started shaking.

01:06:08.367 --> 01:06:09.994
It was terrible.

01:06:09.994 --> 01:06:14.556
He was shaking and sitting up in bed and then she had gone out.

01:06:14.556 --> 01:06:24.353
Briefly he said something like her name and leave and you, and I asked him, do you want her to leave or do you want me to leave?

01:06:24.353 --> 01:06:28.572
And then he said just said can't decide.

01:06:28.572 --> 01:06:31.929
And I said you didn't have to.

01:06:31.929 --> 01:06:34.628
Now I was going to leave.

01:06:34.628 --> 01:06:40.492
Well, I won't go into details, but very emotional goodbye.

01:06:40.492 --> 01:06:46.972
And that's the last time I saw him in my life.

01:06:46.972 --> 01:07:00.454
I wanted to go back the next day, but she had the hospital followed her wishes that I should come and he went into more or less into a coma the next day and died the day after.

01:07:04.164 --> 01:07:12.009
So when, when he did eventually pass, you were, you were divorced and you were, you were being kept from seeing him.

01:07:12.009 --> 01:07:30.257
So how did you go from that to the forgiveness that we talked about at the beginning Because I know you've had a quite a journey since then in terms of your evolution your forgiveness- Well, I think part of my forgiveness came before he died.

01:07:31.324 --> 01:07:32.731
That's why it was so crucial.

01:07:32.731 --> 01:07:43.297
Also, I mean, I wanted to see him again, I wanted reconciliation and of course I did want that for my own sake, mostly in the beginning.

01:07:43.297 --> 01:08:15.351

On the Path to Forgiveness: An Inspiring Story of Love, Loss and Resilience

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