TL;DR
Grief ambushes you at random—at the grocery store, in the car, at work. Emotional regulation isn’t about controlling your feelings or forcing positivity. It’s about intentionally moving through them.
I use a 6-mile walk with three playlist phases:
* Processing grief with sad/angry music (Evanescence, Linkin Park)
* Transitioning with songs that hold both pain and hope (JEM, “The Climb”)
* Rising with uplifting music about reunion and growth (Stevie Wonder, Kenny Loggins)
Create your own version: pick your practice (walk, drive, bath), build your playlists, make it routine. You can’t control when grief hits, but you can decide when and how to process it.
The ambush happens when you least expect it
You’re at the grocery store, and a song comes on. You’re driving to work and pass the hospital where they died. You’re fine, you’re functioning, you’re holding it together, until you’re not.
The anger slams into you. The longing swallows you whole. The sadness wraps around your chest until you can barely breathe.
This is emotional dysregulation. When your emotions control you. When grief decides when and where it’s going to flatten you.
And everyone talks about it. The breakdowns. The triggers. The moments when you lose it in public and feel like you’re losing your mind.
But what we don’t talk about enough is the other side: emotional regulation.
Emotional regulation is not controlling your emotions. Not forcing yourself to “stay positive.” Not spiritual bypassing with gratitude journals and toxic positivity.
Real emotional regulation is something different. It’s the intentional movement through your emotions. All of them. The ugly ones, the scary ones, the ones that make you want to crawl back into bed and never come out. By giving yourself a safe, intentional space to let those emotions move through you, you reduce the risk of an ambush.
Stick with me to the end. I’m going to give you a practical way to use emotional regulation and we’re going to practice this!
The Feedback Loop You Can’t Ignore
Your thoughts and emotions exist in a constant feedback loop. Negative thoughts trigger negative emotions. Those emotions reinforce negative thoughts. Round and round it goes, pulling you deeper into the spiral.
But here’s what makes this powerful: the same loop works in reverse. Positive emotions can shift your thoughts. Positive thoughts can shift your emotional state.
The key is you can’t skip the hard part. You can’t bypass sadness and land on gratitude. You have to walk through it.
Try This Right Now
Before I show you my technique, let’s prove this feedback loop is real. You need to experience it in your body, not just understand it intellectually.
Find a quiet space where you can close your eyes for a few minutes. We’re going to deliberately shift your emotional state using only your thoughts.
First, think of something mildly irritating from your past. Not the death of someone you love—we’re not trying to blow out your emotions here. Choose something smaller. An argument with your partner. Someone cutting you off in traffic. Getting passed over for a promotion. That frustrating interaction with customer service.
Close your eyes. Bring that memory into focus. What were you wearing? What did the other person say? How did it feel in the moment?
Sit with it for 30 seconds.
Now check in with your body. How do you feel right now? Is there tension in your jaw? Tightness in your chest? Has your mood shifted even slightly toward irritation or frustration?
Notice that. You just changed your emotional state by directing your thoughts to something negative.
Now, shift to a happy memory. A birthday party with your kids. Your favorite vacation. Your wedding day. The day you got your dog. A perfect meal with friends. You choose.
Close your eyes again. Really feel into it. Who was there? What were you wearing? What did it smell like? What made you laugh?
Sit with this memory for 30 seconds.
Now check in again. Has your mood lifted, even slightly? Do you feel a little lighter? Maybe a small smile at the corner of your mouth?
That’s the feedback loop in action. Your thoughts directly influenced your emotions. And those emotions are now influencing your thoughts—pulling you toward more memories that match that emotional state.
This is why grief can spiral. One sad thought leads to a sad emotion, which leads to more sad thoughts, which deepen the emotion.
But here’s the powerful part: if thoughts can pull you down, thoughts can also guide you back up. Not by denying the hard emotions, but by moving through them intentionally.
Let me show you how.
My Deliberate Emotional Journey
Every morning, I walk six miles. And I use those miles to regulate my emotions, intentionally.
This isn’t random. It’s a deliberate arc: processing or metabolizing “negative” emotions (less desirable), transitioning, rising, or reinforcing desirable emotions. Music is the vehic...
